This maid of honour speech was sent in by a visitor to this site. I'll be honest - it's a bit too sarcastic for me, and over-the-top with the wisecracks.
Whilst not every wedding speech needs to be 'warm and fuzzy', I think a little more sentimentality might be in order! Nevertheless, I've chosen to publish it as not everyone may share my point of view!
See what YOU think...
Well, for those of you who I haven't had the chance to meet yet, my name is Mary. Eileen and I have been best friends for around the last 10 years. We first met at work one day, when she stole my carrot cake out of the fridge in the lunch room and I threw away her pineapple yogurt cartons in revenge.
I never had a sister, but Mary has been my stand-in sister for all these years. You could say we are even closer than sisters. We don't fight like sisters, but we do wear each other's clothes. Somehow she can still fit into my clothes but I can't fit into hers anymore. I'm sure that is just because her dryer must be shrinking them.
I knew Mary had found the one when Bobby walked into her life. Sure, she dated a few guys…after I was done torturing them.
But Bobby was different. Unlike those jerks, he was kind and thoughtful. And he had a job.
You could see that it was love at first, second and third sight. Clearly Bobby is charming and it seems to me he offers her what she needs - a strong arm, a kind ear and an American Express Black Card.
I trust Mary and Bobby completely. I remember the time I asked them to watch my dog Benji when I went skiing in Europe. They were so nice to help out. I got back and Benji was so happy to see me. He was 40 pounds lighter and now he sees a therapist twice a week.
Of course we are having fun today. The test of this relationship will be over the long term. Will she still love Bobby when he leaves his underwear on the floor and cuts his toenails at the dinner table?
The answer is no. God, please, disgusting.
No, seriously, I know they will have challenges as all relationships do. And Bobby will learn what all men learn eventually. Keep your wife happy! Happy wife, happy life.
No, really, what's great about love and relationships and marriage is learning to grow together. The communication it takes to keep a marriage going is massive. But half the fun is working things out, talking, communicating, and launching kitchen appliances at each other - real love.
Today has been a great day. Family and friends are here, the sun is shining and the champagne is flowing. And we'll need it to get through this chicken dinner.
Eileen, let me take this opportunity to read this poem I wrote that captures my thoughts: